10 Things You’d Either Say To a Two-Year Old or A Drunk Roommate

Basically The Same Thing

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

So you thought you had left those days behind you- you’re all grown up with a family. A regular adult. And then you realize you’re still shaking your head and saying the same nonsense while you clean a strange substance you hope to god isn’t poop from the couch cushions… and you still find yourself saying the same things to your two year old you once said to a drunken pal:

1. Pull up your pants buddy, it’s time to go home!
2. She doesn’t want to snuggle with you right now, she’s out for a run.
3. I’m sorry you puked in the pool. That was very sad for everyone.
4. It’s not polite to point at strangers and scream “Boy!!” or “Girl!!”. Especially if you get it wrong.
5. You’ll feel better if you eat some real food. Oreos are not real food.
6. Walk in a straight line. No, not into the road! Yes, yes, the flowers are very pretty, please stay on the sidewalk.
7. Sometimes we all pee our pants a little, but I’m proud you held the rest of it in.
8. Please just pick one friend to go to bed with you tonight, you can take the other one tomorrow. They don’t all want to be in there anyway, it will get crowded.
9. Baked beans don’t really go with peanut butter sandwiches, but ok.
10. No, I don’t feel like singing that song and making the chorus all about penises and how your mother doesn’t have one.

Yes, the communication skills you once learned can be used again and again. Never stop learning!