Every year teachers discover the joys of a salary when they get to spend their evenings running School Open Houses.
This year, I had the honor of viewing the Kindergarten presentations. Here are the highlights:
Little Ivy League Charter. Yes, the three piece suits for five year olds mandatory. Yes, all students will be proficient in Calculus, French and Mandarin before they will be allowed to graduate kindergarten. No, there’s absolutely no way to ensure you’ll get in off the lottery (*terms and conditions apply).
We do require a little investment in your child’s future success. We offer financing options through a friend of the school named “Big Tony Capolla.”
Recess Tech Charter School. This is a kindergarten where we still have recess. I’m pretty sure they don’t have it anymore at any of the other schools. We believe in good old fashioned ‘risky play’ like when kids used to bike to abandoned houses with clowns in them in the good old days.
In fact, I heard at the public schools now they just stand in a corner with their noses to the wall while opera music plays.
Here we only cancel recess during a Hurricane. Then we have ‘indoor recess’ which is dodgeball but with staplers.
St. Jesus School of Jesus.
An immersive STEM experience: our students do science every day. Lots of little lessons all about birds and the bees and stuff. You don’t really have to ‘be religious’ to go here, we’re also open to people with a more ‘personal’ relationship with Jesus. But there’s lots of science. So much science. Makes my brain hurt ha ha, but the kiddos seem to like it!
Lunch Academy. Here we believe in a Lunch forward curriculum, where Lunch forms a key role in each learner’s eating journey.
Now, this may be a different sort of experience for children coming from more of a starvation model, but we believe every child has the ability to put baloney in their mouths and keep it there, no matter how much chocolate milk follows it in.
Now, we do warn parents:
Sometimes if they have no prior experience with this model, they attempt laughter while consuming the milk, resulting in a nose-milk incident, and some learners have even experienced a nose-milk-mac-and-cheese incident.
Be assured our staff are all fully trained in integral chewing and can coach your child to chew and swallow.
Many of our children reach middle school levels of proficiency in chewing, defined as the ability to only have nose-milk incidents on purpose.
Local Assigned Kindergarten.
Yes, this actually was originally a prison.
In five years we will be embarking on a twelve year building campaign during which students will temporarily have classes outside in tents for ten years.
This will upgrade the building to have windows and flushing toilets.
We had to sell the original school buildings to Recess Tech after we were judged a ‘failing school’ for having too many poor kids.
The budget is in a better place now that teachers have professional development in our Garment Knitting Training Center.
We encourage involvement. If you have experience laundering bitcoin through bake sales, let us know!
